Penning down an expression

Have you ever felt this way? Just answer in your head as you read it – you get up in the morning or trying to sleep after a fucked up day and you don’t have the energy to stand up, so you stare at the roof pointlessly for a while… after a while a thought runs in your head and you feel that someone is pinching your heart, you sink slowly and roll on one side of the bed for peace but the thought won’t leave. You will close your eyes and it will get even worse and you will begin talking to yourself and ultimately all the bad things will come to your head and you will get up suddenly to look around but you are all alone. You look out of the window, you see the stars and a distant light and you come back to some sense. You lay down again and look at the wall again. This time the mind is trying to console you but this feeling would stay with you…

I leave this post at this juncture because somethings are beyond words... take care

Pain - 4 letters of life

there is no pain, you are receding... 
a distant ship smoke on the horizon... - comfortably numb - Pink Floyd. love this song


Ah! The magical four letters that define a person; you would argue it can be love too… but then for some even that leads to pain. We all experience it, sometimes physically, sometimes mentally and imagine the amount of difference it brings to your persona. Remember the first time you were given an injection, all your childhood you are afraid of it and for every mischief the visit to the doctor uncle is enough to calm you down.  Your impressions for the good and bad are defined by pain. Why do most people prefer medicines to surgery, because it is less painful (at least in perception). There are a lot of instances to prove my point but I guess the issue is clear now.

How many of you have been through the sudden death of your near and dear ones? How many of you have had break-ups? How many of you have been in one sided affairs? Well I guess there are many out there nodding within and feeling the pinch as they recall these moments (sorry to mention these instances fellows), but the aftershocks simply shape your life. Not to mention the masochist and sadist behavior that is propelled by few smarter ones. Ultimately, it is the pain that rules and defines the moment.

Some try to run away from/forget pain by smoking, drinking, drugs and what not. Some just give up and some fight (respect for the fighters). The reaction depends on the state of mind you are in; the worst part is pain affects your mindset so you already are not thinking straight (ironic isn’t it?).

Personally, I have been through painful moments and I bet life is not fair. Yes, it is unfair. Not all of us suffer with the same disease; and this is what makes you different. This is what makes you ‘special’. I have met a lot of people who have been through shit literally. These people have a remarkable character, they have the guts to do things that majority can’t. Needless to say, they learnt it the hard way and then there were those who just failed to recover. The risk never ends (risk is again a four lettered rascal) in life (now this is crazy, life too!).

But then, pain is necessary too. You don’t cherish your happiness until you realize what sadness is. The lessons that pain teaches you are needless to say painful but something that you will never forget in life. They get etched hard and deep in your soul. I won’t rant on pain anymore; just leave you with this fact to ponder. Imagine that before a child is born, the mother undergoes enormous pain. But, when the newborn is in the hands of the mother and she looks at the baby, does she regret the pain? Pain creates this world!!

At the end of it all, there is something good to cherish and meaningful behind pain and “it’s all in the brain” philosophy. Ok that’s it, may God keep away the pain to a minimal in your life coz as I said it before, life is unfair and you may be lucky enough to learn lessons without pain. Best of Luck!!

Take care and hope the post was a painful read… J

Maybe...

 Thoughts are running wild in my head these days and this one seemed worth sharing...

How many times have this word struck your mind? Every day it comes out in one or the other way. (even rana used it to talk about Bengaluru's weather) In my opinion, is it is a dangerous word because it is not         a) definitive, b) open to interpretations and c) refers to uncertainty.

• Maybe I’ll get selected for that job
• Maybe we can be great friends someday
• Maybe I’m wrong, Maybe I’m right
• Maybe he still loves/hates me
• Maybe Osama is in Pakistan
• Maybe someday things will change...

Maybe is a mix of hopes and fears, our assumptions construct it and many precious moments of this life get lost in searching for answers to it. On that note, Hopes and fears by Keane is a great listen, fyi Keane is one of those rare guitar less bands.

Maybe is the middle path suggested by Lord Buddha, it is neutrality and for me it is nothing but another means to show your diplomacy. See, even I’m struggling to classify it as good or bad.

My take away from this thought is simple, try to give reasons and definite answers to your near and dear ones, Maybe spoils their expectations and gives them a false hope in situations when there is no hope in reality. A Yes or No works wonders at times.

A life without Maybe represents clarity of thoughts and nothing like it.

Ending this chotu sa blog now, Maybe I am able to communicate my thought clearly to you.  J Take care...

ps- love u kd, tere liye gaali khaana aur khilaana.. sab manzoor yaar...

Stuck between past, present and future

The pursuit of impossible dream ^TM has lasted for a month in my head and if I still don’t give it the due credit. Then balls to me  (inside joke for god wing: mere tau ka fe paar ho gaya :P)

A few words to explain the concept, all of us live a life chasing things which are never meant to be, it can be

• -          Elusive girlfriend  {aww.. dream girl :( }
• -          Big money and a job with no tension
• -          Peace of mind
• -          Delicious food in mess
• -          Latest gadget in my pocket
• -          Or a husband’s day without argument (N/A)

Things can be simpler ones, or very tough to comprehend but they are there for everyone in varying proportions.

The biggest crime that you can commit is to slog your present for that future which will never materialize. Shahrukh said it in KHNH, Nityananda(:P) said it in a satsang(not the one that came on India TV!) and I’m writing it here. See one of them is a legend in real life (me of course)..!!

Getting back to the present, live it yaar.. put that smile on your friend and save some time for him, for yourself. Live the present before its past and thou shalt have a happy future…

I would not disagree that my life is also a part of The pursuit of impossible dream ^TM, but since I realized this thingy; life has been less of a puzzle. The issue is to find your means to express the feeling, it can be the lost pages, or shouting at people in open houses or just sending anonymous mails to junta.

And for those who are scared of dreaming…  Dream on coz not all but some dreams will obviously come true… and when they do; it’ll be worth it.

I would end this chotu sa blog with this line - take lite… for further details and queries, refer to the red herring prospectus(I meant Madhya ungli tu)…

On a serious note, do try to think on what I’ve said coz it meant a lot to me, hope it helps u too… God bless n take care :)

(Word count 376) – after shocks of Markguru :P


fyi - song of the month goes to dreams and illusions by poets of the fall.
and Munni badbaam hui is awarded the song of the year award... phad phad phad....

a story rarely told...

               Whatever tomorrow brings, I’ll be there

               With open arms and open eyes…  Drive – Incubus - this song has been on my nerves for some time now, so it gets its due credit

                Today as I look at my friends in sickness, I can see my whole life playing in front of me. Nah we have nothing in common but yes I have seen trouble and lots of it, I moved on and made it to rgIIM to look at this day. I feel like sharing my story tonight. Here goes…

                Born to a civil servant, I’ve seen the luxuries of life that not every kid would have enjoyed otherwise. Yes I’m a spoilt kid with servants to help at every corner; I used to love the freebies in dad’s ‘laal batti’. The traffic police guy saluting the car; the industrialists visiting home with boxes of sweets on holidays; free crackers on Diwali and a world where you needn’t care for shit literally. Meanwhile, my dad always used to tell me that whatever you do, never forget who you are. I still remember Puranji – our 60 year old servant, that ride on his bicycle to school is unforgettable. Fyi, I was infamous for refusing to go to school till class 1, I used to cry; throw away my school shoes out of the school bus and it generally took 5 – 6 ppl to take me to school. However, with time, things improved (is it?)

                Most interesting factor in life was that by the time I came to class 8, I had the privilege to have lived in every district of the largest state of India. Schools used to change every year, sometimes even semi-annually and it was fun, lost and made a lot of friends in this process though. Best moment was when mom unpacked the luggage at one town and within a month dad got transferred to another district; expression on mom’s face was unforgettable – ultimate way to define helplessness and frustration.

               Then came the phase of consolidation, dad got promotions and it was not possible to move out of the state capital, got admitted in a BIGG school. Kids here knew how to abuse, woo girls and blah blah blah. It took me a while to get acclimatized to the culture of school (hopefully, I was not baptized as my reverend father sLuDGy was @ la Martiniere J). With a big school comes bigger troubles, bigger nerds, bigger bullies and prettier girls… it was fun yaar.

                Things were banal until this happened - I was hospitalized for 3 months right before the 12th board examinations. I underwent a mammoth surgery to recover; they grafted the bone taken from my left leg to the mandible. Result: no food for 3 months, I couldn’t walk, my mouth was tied, and I couldn’t talk either. 3 months of silence…for a guy, who was a total athlete, it was hell. My back used to burn as I lay in single position for months. Though, It gave me the power to listen; I can listen to any crap you wish to utter now (peacefully). It also made me respect an entity known as ‘life’ and food in particular. My mom still tells me how I once wrote on a piece of paper to her “aaj main karela bhi kha lunga” and all that she could do was brush my hair with love and console me. Side effects of the surgery still remain; the left leg which pains till date, I am forced to live with that persistent physical pain. I’m used to it now; weird ways of life…

                Among all this, I gave my board exams scoring 75%.They are my medal of honor, they mean so much to me that today when I look at CV’s with 93% and state topper; it just makes me smile. Then came college, all my friends chose engineering, me losing on illness decided for a Bachelor of Arts (I’m so glad to make this decision). Found six impeccable friends there and ‘gangsters’ was born. Its tuff to explain what we have been through; numerous trips to random destinations, bday bumps, setting final exam questions, sharing movies (:P)… life can never be the same. Gangsters are and will remain my soul. They brought the joy back to my life, thank you bhai log.

              I can write a lot more but sanity tells me to stop. I rest my case for now.

            On this note let me also tell you some hints on what kind of a person I guess I am

1)                   I believe that every person is good inside, only his shell ‘varies’

2)                  Anything for my friends and family and they can vouch for it

3)                  Can’t say no to most people, wish I could do that

4)                  Not good at talking on cellphone

5)                  Love music and life in particular

6)                  As good as my surroundings are

7)                  Eyes speak a lot about a person, I read them to take my guesses

8)                  Frank and honest, trust people easily

                      Okay that does it…  I’ve reached some 868 words now!!

 p.s. – if god asked to change one bit of my life, I wouldn’t change it for anything because whatever happened, it is my life and I’m glad to live it. J

 also, i leave you fellows to ponder upon why would i write all this stuff here but then that's me.. tc god bless

A farce life of bitches, bastards and Angels

Don't worry the title has nothing to do with the post but a lot to do with my life in particular. Anyways,

 it’s that time when I scribble my worthless pennies on the place where the legendary ‘Bird Idol’ was selected as the movie of the millennium. Those who have no clue of the above line can go and take a crapper while I fill this space with some serious thoughts.

Lesson 1

Ways people handle their problems – they do so by

1. Eating a lot
2. Crying all night in vain
3. Pretending to be strong without realizing how vulnerable they really are
4. Share it with your close friends
5. Closing on your own friends thinking they would feel troubled and won’t help
6. Doing nothing, waiting for them to fade away

a) 

The problem can be tackled by a single option or a combination of few or all of them, what really works out of them... I dunno...  that’s the beauty of the argument.

I can tell that if I am suffering, I choose option 4. It has worked for me and will work hopefully in the coming times.

The funniest part is we always try to become strong in a situation of crisis, partly because the Indian society has taught us to be strong. Me, on the contrary is happy to be vulnerable and opening up to friends. Life is simpler that waysJ. Obviously the problem arises only when u don’t know who is your friend..

Lesson 2

Change happens everywhere but when u r accused of changing, you

1. Do nothing
2. Deny
3. Accept
4. Talk it out to your near and dear ones
5. Think what has happened
6. Try to avoid people

a)      Again, my favorite is option 4 but the question is do you have the courage to talk?

I’ve always wondered why life has so many questions. Besht part is most or all of them are self created and each one waits that someday the answers will come… Ah!! You fool… without any effort you are not getting anywhere… so at least try but again if everything had answers, it won’t be called life…

Lesson 3

Life has no lost pages, its all in the brain

When one of my friends said this line, I never thought it would define every moment of this crazy life I’ve been living. There are schools of thought that are married to the concept of life is a novel, and we end our lives searching for that final page that helps you make sense of your life. I disagree,

Life is as it is, you will never know what awaits tomorrow and you will still plan everyday to do something and end up doing something else or nothing (curious case of Reverend Father sLuDGy).

Your actions define your fate, that’s what I believe in and if you do something wrong in your life, it will come back to haunt you always, running won’t help. Be good to others, smile, forgive, apologize and ye shall be freeee. As far as the lost pages are concerned, it is and will always be in the brain, why bother about it?

Phew!! No more of these lessons, it’s close to 4am and I’m wondering where the hell all this crap came from. Why am I so sensitive, why do I care about my friends so much?

Answer lies in the song from Pink Floyd – wish you were here

“We are just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year, running over the same old ground, what’ve we found, same old fears” – never be afraid in life.

Do what your heart tells you, maybe it’s wrong but life has less regrets that way… J

All the concerned stakeholders and people who read this, do remember who you really are

And when you get the answer to some of the weirdest questions that life has asked you, do tell me about them coz I need all of them to help the chosen set of universe I call ‘my friends’…

 Take Care.

moments of realization

In just about hours from now, I will be relieved from my internship. I sit completely idle on my desk; full of memories and moments and i don't know why but there is a pinch in my heart today. I realize that I am slowly drifting away from my best friends. It’s a sudden revelation and all I can do now is to reflect on what went wrong. I thought I’d write a thousand words here, but the feeling is so overwhelming that I can’t write anymore.


Wish they were here with me.. as of now, I think I can’t tell, heaven from hell……..